I posted this on Facebook a while back.
"Marriage and commitment and things like that.
by me on Wednesday, March 23, 2011 at 11:53pm
I have been thinking a lot about marriage, and commitment, and commitment ceremonies, and having babies, and that sort of thing. It's all very confusing and really emotional for me. I've been looking for a good forum to discuss this stuff with people in my life that have made decisions around this stuff.
Maybe this is that forum? Or maybe it would be a fun conversation to have in real life some time?
What do you all think? Is anyone else interested in discussing it?
Mainly, I just want to know why people I know choose to have ceremonies/legal commitments/religious ceremonies/what have you, and also why they don't. Mike and I have decided not to do a legal marriage, basically because we feel it is a privilege denied to too many people, but we do want to do something. So I'm just curious what that looks like for other radicals/queerdos/weirdos/etc. (I'm also giving myself an ulcer worrying about how my family is going to react to this news.)
Thanks in advance for your comments, dudes."
And man, the comments were amazing! I won't repost them all, but suffice to say, a lot of my friends have a lot to say on these subjects.
So I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog, because I also have a lot to say, and I want there to be a forum for me and all my friends and family and acquaintances who feel ambivalent about the whole "marriage" thing to have a place to chat. I've also had a really interesting series of conversations that I'd like to summarize here.
So, please comment away and share this with anyone you know who has thoughts to share!
Hey buddy. So. I tend to think of each of these things as separate choices to make.
ReplyDelete1. Legal marriage - that's easy, it's no. I could say a lot of reasons why I think it's problematic, but it could also be summed up quickly: I'm just not interested. The state has no business in my romantic/sexual/love life.
2. Parties about love/commitment ceremonies - when I was little I went to a heap of commitment ceremonies that my lesbian rabbi parents were doing for, mostly, other Jewish lesbians. I feel like this is a lovely thing to do if you make it what you want it to be, and I think it's easier for one's potentially conservative family to deal with a queer-style punk-style lifecycle party if you include them in some of the planning, so they don't feel like you're just pushing them away and rejecting all their traditions. Up with love! Up with celebrating it! But it's funny, I was saying to someone recently that it would make more sense for me personally to have a ceremony committing myself to YOU for life than to commit to like anyone else. Maybe because I don't believe in forever (but I guess a commitment ceremony doesn't have to be forever, it could be "I commit to being in your life and being devoted to you whether it's in love or friendship..." hm). But I do believe in forever friendship, just not forever romance. But that's my stuff.
3. Religious ceremony - I think that's the hardest part. If I were ever to have a party about romantic love (rather than friend love), my extended family would place a lot of importance on the Jewish traditions of the marriage ceremony. Most of those I would be happy to incorporate, but some of them I find problematic -- and I'm sure that's true of you and Catholicism. So I guess with that you pick the things that work and have lots of talks with your mom about why you don't want to say "man and wife", or why you want to have it in a field or in the A-Space instead of in a church... The religion thing would definitely be the hardest thing for me, and I think it will be the hardest thing for you. Because the legal thing isn't that public; your family won't see you getting legally married or not. But the religion stuff, some of it is so foreign to the way you and I (and Mike) live our lives and just isn't palatable. Maybe your stuff is in Latin and you could pretend not to know what it means? That's what I do in synagogue when there's stuff about how Jews are the best guys ever, but in Hebrew.
4. Babies! - I think that fits into this topic because it has to do with the way we shape our families and figuring out how you want your family to be shaped, regardless of the messages we get from society, but I think you know how you want to rock that. Babies!